i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
