shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
