I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
