I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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