My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
