So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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