I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
