I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
