I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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