I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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