I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
