I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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