I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
