The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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