My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
