I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
