I looked at my own cervix.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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