he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
