Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Go christen that room with your naked body.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
