I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
