she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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