if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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