I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
