You're completely useless in the revolution.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
