I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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