Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
My liver just had a heart attack.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
