i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
you didnt know i had herpes?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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