Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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