Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
