i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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