i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
