just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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