Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
