He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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