I look better un-naked...
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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