...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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