I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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