if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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