i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
