i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
