i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
