I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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