textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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