Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
