How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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