you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
