i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
