i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
