I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
