Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
