im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
There's always time for handjobs
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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