he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
from now on my penis is your penis
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
