Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
