3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Please, let me fuck your mom
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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